Is it cheating to visit a pro-domme?

Title: Is it cheating to visit a pro-domme?
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Rank：none
Score：13
Posts：13
From：United Kingdom
Register：03/08/2018 20:07

Date Posted：19/11/2018 10:52Copy HTML

Recently my Mistress started to follow a new twitter account - @confusedwife1. She describes herself as a:

“Happily (I thought) married wife who just found out her husband has been paying a dominatrix. Trying to figure out my life with him now he wants me in control.”

I have watched the threads on her account for a few days as I felt sorry for the devastation that her partner’s ‘cheating’ had caused her. Not for the first time it got me to consider the duplicitous nature of my own life, and what might happen if I were to reveal to my wife my own clandestine visits to a pro-domme?

Scene setting:

Me - Happily married for over 35 years, never had a vanilla fling with anyone else

Partner – Wonderful lady who experimented with kink with me in our early twenties and decided it wasn’t for her

Me again – Years of ‘casual’ visits to pro-dommes with no thought of an ongoing D/s relationship before my ‘kink heart’ was properly snagged

Mistress Angelica – my Mistress for over 8 years, and someone whose slave collar I am permitted to wear

I am complex, and spend hours trying to analyse exactly who I am. My solution is to compartmentalise various aspects of ‘me’ and that is how I survive. My refuge from the stresses of vanilla life has always been to run away to kink, and I know with certainty that isn’t a world in which my partner would like to co-habit. So I had three choices:

· Compromise my vanilla relationship by insisting kink is a central part

· Ignore my kink and leave the untreated sore to fester

· Engage in clandestine kink activity

I think you might have guessed that I chose the last option, and it all went so well for over 25 years, until 2010

Before then if my tracks had been uncovered it might have been (relatively) easier to explain my actions. But now, as part of an established D/s relationship, my gut feeling is that my partner would feel a deeper betrayal. Personally (selfishly) I have allowed myself to truly submit to someone who gives an added dimension to who I need to be, and if I lost that I would honestly be inconsolable.

Perhaps I should feel guilty about my covert D/s play, but in truth I can’t as it an intrinsic part of who I am, and I understand and accept that as fact. It has occurred to me from time to time that I ought to confide in my secret with my partner, but as time has gone on I am convinced that a lie that has been perpetuated for so long (and especially now that I have a deep bond with my Mistress) would be impossible for my partner to accept, and this could break her completely.

Whilst the consequences of such a confession would be difficult to live with for me I know that I would survive, but simply for the hurt it would cause my partner I could never allow this to happen. Whilst @confusedwife1 may have found an avenue to channel her anger and disappointment with her betrayal, sadly I know my partner well enough to know that she would be not be able to handle this, particularly at this stage in her life.

I hope that @confusedwife1 gets to read this note. I am not seeking any sort of consent or permission to continue being who I am, or acting as an apologist for her husband, or even trying to justify the way he acted, but I thought it may help to explain some of the thought processes which go on in the recesses of the mind of someone who is compelled to visit his pro-domme.

As ever, I would also find it interesting to hear the take of others on this forum on this subject, be those comments positive or negative.

Rank：Bronze Member
Score：36
Posts：36
From：United Kingdom
Register：08/04/2018 16:03

Re：Is it cheating to visit a pro-domme?

Date Posted：19/11/2018 13:27Copy HTML

A wonderfully frank and honest post, and one that is scaringly similar to my own situation! There must be so many in a similar situation; how do we justify it, is it cheating?

I`ve never considered it as cheating, rather something private, that I enjoyed, and nowadays something I need. I`ve a strong and happy vanilla life, and my kink-life has not impinged upon that (mostly!), the two being kept very separate. The financial costs have occasionally worried me, but just as I wouldn`t think twice about buying a new phone or even a car, it`s something that I feel I can justify. My submissiveness has never had a sexual agenda, it`s much deeper than that; I have never, and never would, approach a Domme, Escort or Prostitute, with a view to "having sex". Is that a justification?

My submission is strong, it makes me feel good and even better to be able to give it. It`s when I can`t give it that I start to have problems. Is that a justification?

I`m no psychologist, but when I`m able to give my submission, to give up control, it refreshes me, calms me, it`s where I need to be, at least some of the time. Is that a justification?

An outsider, perhaps your other half, might say "you`re selfish, you`ve kept it a secret, you`re a man and just want what you can get, you`re naked in front of another woman, of course it`s cheating!".

I guess the ideal situation would be where a couple agree to a joint involvement, or where complete honesty allows one to engage separately with the others "approval". But what if the other says "No"? Perhaps it`s better to keep it a secret, but is that cheating?

It`s a murky water!

Rank：none
Score：3
Posts：3
From：Liechtenstein
Register：09/07/2018 17:37

Re：Is it cheating to visit a pro-domme?

Date Posted：20/11/2018 23:58Copy HTML

If I might share my thoughts and experience:

With a not dissimilar backround to the original poster, I am in a committed and loving relationship of well over 30 years.

To answer the question is it cheating- to me: Yes - Because in submitting to a domme you are giving a part of yourself to someone else, your domme. 

When I first began to serve Mistress Angelica, I adopted the 'what you don't know, won't hurt you' approach.
My wife found out unintentionally. I won't attempt to describe my wife's feeling/thoughts at the time, that is for her to share should she wish. 
All I know is that I harmed someone I love, something I continue to regret every day.

I so nearly lost my marriage and it took many months to rebuild our relationship, as I then became honest enough to admit and share my kink. It also took so much courage on the part of my wife too. 
I am also remain ever indebted for the support Mistress Angelica provided at the time, subsequently and to this day, to me and my wife.

Does this have a 'Happy Ever After' ending: Yes, pretty much so, the new honesty between us about both our needs has massivelly strengthened our relationship. We are in a far better place today, that many would envy.

I won't tell or advise others what to do, about sharing their relationship with a domme, other than to ask yourself: 
How would you prefer your loved one to find out? & what would be the impact on the likely harm and consequence.

However, neither do I judge people for their choice.

Thankyou for reading.

dennisw
Rank：none Score：13 Posts：13 From：United Kingdom Register：03/08/2018 20:07	Date Posted：19/11/2018 10:52Copy HTML Recently my Mistress started to follow a new twitter account - @confusedwife1. She describes herself as a: “Happily (I thought) married wife who just found out her husband has been paying a dominatrix. Trying to figure out my life with him now he wants me in control.” I have watched the threads on her account for a few days as I felt sorry for the devastation that her partner’s ‘cheating’ had caused her. Not for the first time it got me to consider the duplicitous nature of my own life, and what might happen if I were to reveal to my wife my own clandestine visits to a pro-domme? Scene setting: Me - Happily married for over 35 years, never had a vanilla fling with anyone else Partner – Wonderful lady who experimented with kink with me in our early twenties and decided it wasn’t for her Me again – Years of ‘casual’ visits to pro-dommes with no thought of an ongoing D/s relationship before my ‘kink heart’ was properly snagged Mistress Angelica – my Mistress for over 8 years, and someone whose slave collar I am permitted to wear I am complex, and spend hours trying to analyse exactly who I am. My solution is to compartmentalise various aspects of ‘me’ and that is how I survive. My refuge from the stresses of vanilla life has always been to run away to kink, and I know with certainty that isn’t a world in which my partner would like to co-habit. So I had three choices: · Compromise my vanilla relationship by insisting kink is a central part · Ignore my kink and leave the untreated sore to fester · Engage in clandestine kink activity I think you might have guessed that I chose the last option, and it all went so well for over 25 years, until 2010 Before then if my tracks had been uncovered it might have been (relatively) easier to explain my actions. But now, as part of an established D/s relationship, my gut feeling is that my partner would feel a deeper betrayal. Personally (selfishly) I have allowed myself to truly submit to someone who gives an added dimension to who I need to be, and if I lost that I would honestly be inconsolable. Perhaps I should feel guilty about my covert D/s play, but in truth I can’t as it an intrinsic part of who I am, and I understand and accept that as fact. It has occurred to me from time to time that I ought to confide in my secret with my partner, but as time has gone on I am convinced that a lie that has been perpetuated for so long (and especially now that I have a deep bond with my Mistress) would be impossible for my partner to accept, and this could break her completely. Whilst the consequences of such a confession would be difficult to live with for me I know that I would survive, but simply for the hurt it would cause my partner I could never allow this to happen. Whilst @confusedwife1 may have found an avenue to channel her anger and disappointment with her betrayal, sadly I know my partner well enough to know that she would be not be able to handle this, particularly at this stage in her life. I hope that @confusedwife1 gets to read this note. I am not seeking any sort of consent or permission to continue being who I am, or acting as an apologist for her husband, or even trying to justify the way he acted, but I thought it may help to explain some of the thought processes which go on in the recesses of the mind of someone who is compelled to visit his pro-domme. As ever, I would also find it interesting to hear the take of others on this forum on this subject, be those comments positive or negative.
maslavem	Share to: #1
Rank：Bronze Member Score：36 Posts：36 From：United Kingdom Register：08/04/2018 16:03	Re：Is it cheating to visit a pro-domme? Date Posted：19/11/2018 13:27Copy HTML A wonderfully frank and honest post, and one that is scaringly similar to my own situation! There must be so many in a similar situation; how do we justify it, is it cheating? I`ve never considered it as cheating, rather something private, that I enjoyed, and nowadays something I need. I`ve a strong and happy vanilla life, and my kink-life has not impinged upon that (mostly!), the two being kept very separate. The financial costs have occasionally worried me, but just as I wouldn`t think twice about buying a new phone or even a car, it`s something that I feel I can justify. My submissiveness has never had a sexual agenda, it`s much deeper than that; I have never, and never would, approach a Domme, Escort or Prostitute, with a view to "having sex". Is that a justification? My submission is strong, it makes me feel good and even better to be able to give it. It`s when I can`t give it that I start to have problems. Is that a justification? I`m no psychologist, but when I`m able to give my submission, to give up control, it refreshes me, calms me, it`s where I need to be, at least some of the time. Is that a justification? An outsider, perhaps your other half, might say "you`re selfish, you`ve kept it a secret, you`re a man and just want what you can get, you`re naked in front of another woman, of course it`s cheating!". I guess the ideal situation would be where a couple agree to a joint involvement, or where complete honesty allows one to engage separately with the others "approval". But what if the other says "No"? Perhaps it`s better to keep it a secret, but is that cheating? It`s a murky water!
Ouradventure	Share to: #2
Rank：none Score：3 Posts：3 From：Liechtenstein Register：09/07/2018 17:37	Re：Is it cheating to visit a pro-domme? Date Posted：20/11/2018 23:58Copy HTML If I might share my thoughts and experience: With a not dissimilar backround to the original poster, I am in a committed and loving relationship of well over 30 years. To answer the question is it cheating- to me: Yes - Because in submitting to a domme you are giving a part of yourself to someone else, your domme. When I first began to serve Mistress Angelica, I adopted the 'what you don't know, won't hurt you' approach. My wife found out unintentionally. I won't attempt to describe my wife's feeling/thoughts at the time, that is for her to share should she wish. All I know is that I harmed someone I love, something I continue to regret every day. I so nearly lost my marriage and it took many months to rebuild our relationship, as I then became honest enough to admit and share my kink. It also took so much courage on the part of my wife too. I am also remain ever indebted for the support Mistress Angelica provided at the time, subsequently and to this day, to me and my wife. Does this have a 'Happy Ever After' ending: Yes, pretty much so, the new honesty between us about both our needs has massivelly strengthened our relationship. We are in a far better place today, that many would envy. I won't tell or advise others what to do, about sharing their relationship with a domme, other than to ask yourself: How would you prefer your loved one to find out? & what would be the impact on the likely harm and consequence. However, neither do I judge people for their choice. Thankyou for reading.